Should I Hold On?

by Joel Sinclair / 15 January 2017 / No Comments

Question:

“My ex broke up with me after 2.5 years together. We started as long distance then eventually moved in together. My kids and him also became very close. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago. He was very emotional and said that he is unhappy and he doesn’t know why. He said that he needs to find what he has lost about himself. That he isn’t good for anybody right now. His hope is that once he has, I will still be there for him and we can be back together forever. But he knows its not fair to ask me to wait. I believe he is the one for me but I did notice he wasn’t himself for awhile. I don’t want to give up on us and move on. I just feel hopeless.”

Answer:

It sounds to me like you have answered your own question, but that you are looking for some sort of explanation as to why he has removed himself from your life.

Masculine people require a deep purpose. They are driven by freedom and they grow through challenge and obsolescence. At their core and in the early stages of life this means freedom for the self, but as they grow, it eventually includes other people.

Any time a masculine being feels constrained in any facet of their life, they will seek a way to gain freedom from it or through it. The greater the challenge is, the greater the feeling of satisfaction or freedom will be when that challenge is met.

In the early part of life, masculine people seek freedom for selfish reasons. Typically, for most, this means freedom financially and/or freedom sexually. So what they do, in general, is they will follow a career path or get into a relationship in order to meet this selfish need for freedom. (I.e.: if they get a good career, then they have freedom from the constraint of bills and financial matters. If they get into a relationship then they will have freedom from the constraint of desire and always having to search and work for sexual or love partners.)

These selfish “purposes” are what initially drive a masculine person in their life.

However, these purposes are shallow and they are not connected to anything deeper. So as a man grows and he works day after day after day in his career, he begins to feel empty in these accomplishments. He begins to feel unhappy and doesn’t know why. He begins to feel a deep sense of obsolescence. He may look at his career and feel it is pointless and say to himself, “This isn’t it. I thought it was it, but it’s not. I still feel empty. There HAS to be more to life than this”. He may look at his relationship and say to himself, “This isn’t me. I don’t feel satisfied. I keep looking at other women. I feel like there is something missing.”

Overall, when this happens a masculine being will say to himself, “Who am I? Why do I feel like I’ve lost something? Is this who I am?”

At this stage of life, many masculine people get severely depressed and can feel like their entire life up till that point has been a waste of time. They may feel like they have lost themselves. When this happens, they will generally seek solitude as a way to remove all of the distractions from their life. Some masculine people will even go so far as to abandon everything that they have built so far as a way to escape this feeling of obsolescence and immerse themselves in solitude. However, if they truly love their partners and the people around them, this is a selfish response as this solitude can still be achieved without completely leaving your existing life and hurting the people around you.

That said, this solitude is important and is not something that should be denied. It is a way for a masculine being to reorient and rediscover a purpose – and if they are more spiritually and consciously aware, it will be a purpose that is sourced in something deeper. If not, it will be a purpose that is once again sourced in selfishness, shallow pursuits and a seeking for personal freedom.

It sounds to me like your ex is that this place in his life, and if that’s so, then it’s up to you to decide how it is you want to support him through it. If you feel that the best way to do that is to hold on and wait for him, then you should do that. But if you do, then you need to do it with no motive other than love, and you need to choose to do it with the full awareness that when he finds his new purpose, it may not include you. You also need to take into account that his choice to abandon your relationship is a weak and selfish choice, and that waiting around for him may simply end up with you being more hurt than you already are.

Your question is whether you should hold on or not. Given this information and awareness, that’s your choice. If you truly believe in your soul that he is “the one for you” and you don’t want to give up on your relationship and move on, then you should follow your heart and your intuition and do whatever it is that you feel is necessary to support him through this transition in his life.

That said, in the end, your own actions, (whatever they may be), should NOT be born out of your sense of loss and a fear of being alone, but should be sourced out of love – not only for him, but for yourself.

About the author:

Joel Sinclair

Joel Sinclair is an ICF certified Life and Relationship coach who's specialty and focus is in the area of relationship coaching. His unique approach to coaching and relationships will not only educate you for life, but assist you in having the relationships you dream of, and the life that you were meant to live.

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