“I am a sexual being. When I am in a relationship, I am very attentive and affectionate(and completely into everything about sex, touching, etc). Ok, so I have met the man I know I am going to marry. He is simply, amazing. Issue: He is AWFUL in bed. He is the sexiest man I have ever met, and I am so in love with him BUT, I don’t look forward to sex. First, when we are kissing and or touching, he does get mostly erect. But the minute “Sex” comes in, he loses it. In order to have sex, he has to focus on my girl stuff and touching himself to get hard. So the only way we have sex is missionary. He is all about learning my body and likes, and seems to really get excited orally pleasing me, but other then actual penis touching, he doesn’t seem to like much that I do to him. Not really even neck biting or anything like that. This really concerns me, and it feels like he is addicted to masturbation, has been for so long, that is the only way he can get erect. And how he watches/touches/talks to me when doing it, feels like I’m the PORNO, and I have never experienced this type of behavior before. I thought maybe he wasn’t attracted to me, but the way he is with me tends to rule that out. Im at a loss, but need advice on how to approach this concern. I love him so much, and would rather not have sex then to lose what we do have.”
As a woman, your intuition is a powerful gift, not only for you, but for your man. If you feel like you’re a porno and you’re not feeling a real sexual connection, then I’d say you’re probably right.
We all know that men are visual creatures, but the core of sex is always energetic in nature. The more the people involved tune into and move with the energetic component, the better the sex is. For men, even though they are primarily visual, this is in actuality just as important during sex as it is for women. When men are younger, the visual stimulation they get from a woman who is sexually charged in front of them is typically enough for arousal, but as they age, the energetic component during sex becomes more and more important.
The prevalence and ease of access to pornography nowadays is detrimental to men in that, as they grow from young men while masturbating to porno, they are actually TRAINING their body to have a sexual response when there is not an actual person there. So what happens is that when they are actually with a REAL person their body is not trained for that type of stimulus. So basically, he doesn’t know how to handle or how to tune in and respond to you, specifically, as a woman. This means that in order to have a sexual response he has to essentially replicate the dynamics of the porno – which it sounds like your man is doing. What that will do is derail the energetic connection between the two of you, and so he wont be able to get it up or will lose his erection, and you will probably take forever to reach any kind of orgasm – if you even do at all. Basically, to be blunt, you are masturbating with each other. Also, if you are in your head during sex, worrying about his erection, then he probably will be too. This will only exacerbate the problem.
What you two need to do as partners is re-train him to respond to the energetic component of sex, and actually CONNECT with each other during moments of intimacy. Essentially, you need to pull him out of both of his heads – the big one and the small one. There are tantric practices that you two can do as a couple to help you both learn to establish and maintain that connection and help him over the hump, but they are too long to explain in this answer. If you wish to contact me for more information, I could definitely help, but you could also search the web for these kinds of tantric practices as well.