I’ve discovered through my coaching practice that no matter how much we think we know about men and women and how they relate, there’s simply something that continually eludes the majority of us. Men don’t understand why women seem so crazy and don’t seem to make any sort of sense, and women don’t understand why men simply cannot seem to open up and get in touch with their emotions and tend to shut down when things get too intense. For singles this inevitably results in frustration while dating, and for couples, it typically results in a neutralizing of the relationship and a tendency towards blandness, which generally results in a stale sex life, infidelity or constant conflict over ridiculous and meaningless things.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
All it takes to begin to rectify these major issues and start to have joy in our relational lives is some simple understanding of the energetic dynamics underlying all relationships. Once we understand what is truly going on and the reasons for it, we can start to have some compassion and honor ourselves and each other for who we truly are at heart.
At the core of all relationships is the Masculine and the Feminine.
Seems like a no brainer. But I’m not talking about gender, I’m talking about energy – and these energies are continually dancing and always at play in every single facet of our lives. Male or Female, we all have both of these energies winding around within each of us, but every one of us leans more in one way or the other from birth, and these are the core energies that truly drive us in our lives and in our relationships.
To reiterate, it’s not a gender thing, but in general, men lean towards the masculine side of the spectrum and women lean towards the feminine side. Some people lean way towards their respective end of the spectrum, (ie.: super girlie girls and Marlboro men), but most people like you and I tend to live closer to the middle and closer to balance – but we will always lean more in one way or the other as a fundamental aspect of who we are and as who we were born as into this world.
The masculine and feminine energies at play in relationships are like the poles of a magnet. The further apart these poles are within two respective people, the greater the attraction will be. That’s what we call “chemistry” or “connection” – and the distance between the two in any given moment is what creates passion, sex and fire, and is truly what we are all looking for and are looking to maintain in a long-term intimacy. Knowing how to cultivate and honor these energies can help us attain that.
Please keep in mind, that as these energies are not tied to gender, this information is equally as applicable in same-sex relationships and marriages as it is in heterosexual relationships. And because these energies are the fundamental building blocks of relationship and attraction, in all relationships there will always be one partner who leans more towards the feminine at their core, and one who leans more towards the masculine at their core.
Because of this, and to make things easier to talk about, in my coaching I typically refer to masculine beings as “he” and feminine beings as “she” even though it could be a woman who is the masculine partner or a man who is the feminine partner.
Let’s get down to the nuts and bolts:
The masculine is always seeking freedom. The feminine is always seeking love. These are polar opposites. Freedom = emptiness, and love = fullness.
These qualities manifest themselves in relationships and throughout our lives in many very different ways, but they are the essential driving forces within each and every one of us.
As I stated previously, the masculine inside of each of us is always seeking freedom and emptiness. Ultimately, what this means is freedom from constraint and energy movement, and this is why weak masculine people tend to run away from emotions and commitment. However, the value of this continual seeking is that it allows the masculine being to “see” things from a wider perspective and grow through remaining true to his purpose. This wider perspective allows him to excel at solving problems, and it allows him to be able to make the crucial decisions which are required to move both himself and his relationships forward in a chosen direction.
True Masculine strength is found in the ability to be fully heart present, make clear and decisive choices and stand behind them with conviction, and remain clear in the face of any distraction, whether it is internal or external – to the point of even being clear from the distraction of his own feminine partner.
It’s this core quality, or “solidness”, which makes a masculine being attractive and trustable to the feminine.
Contrary to the masculine, the feminine within each of us is always seeking love and fullness. Ultimately, what this means is a desire for relationships, feelings and energy movement, and this is why weak feminine people create drama around themselves and seek relationships primarily out of a fear of being alone. However, the value of this continual seeking is that it allows the feminine being to always grow to greater depths of love and fulfillment through remaining true to her powerful intuition and loving nature. This allows her to “inspire” the masculine in her life to be fully present and clear, and inspire the world around her to greater and greater depths of love and fulfillment.
True Feminine strength is found in the ability to be completely heart open, flowing fully with energy, love and trust, while never shutting down or allowing diminishment out of fear or because of the weakness of the masculine – to the point of being wide open and trusting in spite of the weakness of her own masculine partner.
It’s this core quality, or “unstoppable flowing nature”, which makes a feminine being utterly irresistible to the masculine.
How it all comes together:
The feminine and the masculine work together like yin and yang. Always dancing and swirling together with no true beginning and no true ending. They support each other in their strength and push each other into their weaknesses.
In order for the feminine to feel safe in expressing herself fully and completely and letting herself go into loving bliss, she needs to be able to trust her masculine partner – and in order for the masculine to be able to make firm and solid decisions and stay fully present in his heart without crumbling, he needs to be inspired by his feminine partner to do so.
To use a tired cliche, if we picture a relationship as a car, the masculine partner is in charge of the steering wheel and the feminine partner is in charge of the gas pedal. The masculine partner makes the choice to where the car is headed but the feminine partner provides the fuel to get there. If she doesn’t trust her partner and where he is taking them, she won’t give the relationship any fuel and it will sit there, stagnant, going nowhere. And if the masculine partner doesn’t feel the fuel flowing freely through the relationship, or only feels the fuel as a reward when choosing the direction she wants, he won’t bother being strong by providing direction or taking the initiative to steer it to where he feels it truly needs to go.
The dreaded dysfunction:
What typically happens in a dysfunctional relationship is that these energetic aspects get neutralized through our weaknesses and fears and stop us from standing strongly in our core. This reflects into our actions – or lack of actions with each other.
A very common and noticeable example of this is when the masculine partner starts to fear his feminine partner and goes into “pleasing mode.” When he does this he begins to stop making solid decisions and instead begins to rely on her cues to help him choose which way to go – or simply lets her make the decisions altogether. When this happens, in order to continue to feel safe enough to stay in her feminine core, she will begin to become more masculine for him. We’ve all heard the comment, “She wears the pants in the family.”
And what happens when a feminine partner does this?
You got it. They are both energetically masculine and therefore there will no longer be any polarity. No polarity means no fire, no passion, and ultimately, no sex. “Bland relationship” blues ensue. From there it is typically a downward spiral which includes fighting/engagement and/or disinterested/roommate dynamics.
Honor each other:
This masculine/feminine dynamic is constantly going on all the time, all around us. It is going on within each and every one of us between our own masculine and feminine sides. It is going on in our own relationship with the world around us. It is going on in our business relationships. It is going on when we date, and it is going on in our long-term relationships and marriages.
If we always keep in mind the underlying motivations, desires and weaknesses of both the masculine and the feminine in our lives, we can always honor them both in the best way that we know how. So look at your life and your own partners and relationships with understanding and compassion and move forward actively choosing and attracting the best partner for you!